


and how many times a day do you tell yourself that you're not in love?

by linguisticsteven (virtualbrownie)



Category: Buzzfeed: Worth It (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Denial of Feelings, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Pre-Relationship, definitely, more-than-one-night-stands, relationship studyish, running away from problems, that i also have no idea what i'm going to keep writing about, this is a lot of tags for my first work in a year
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-08-24
Packaged: 2019-05-14 12:54:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14770019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/virtualbrownie/pseuds/linguisticsteven
Summary: To himself, Steven thinks the only thing he's good at is running away from his problems.Andrew, as much as he loves him, has to agree.Or, Steven only shows Andrew that he's in love when they're thousands of miles from home in the dark of foreign countries.





	1. tell me what it's gonna take for you to stay

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kopfkinote](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kopfkinote/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this...is what happens when you watch too many episodes of worth it in one day instead of doing homework.
> 
> big thanks to @kopfkinote for being the worth it fandom's GOAT. chapter title from morning after by dvsn.
> 
> edits made 8.23.18 - whole chunk added!! the original chapter ended off better like it was but it was weird to keep locations and then suddenly switched so here ya go, an update

The bed is cold when he wakes up in the morning.

Andrew stretches, a groan rising out of his throat. The sun is bright, too bright, and the light that filters through the windows falls flat and harsh on his face. He scrunches his nose, wondering why it’s so cold if the light is so bright, and turns to the side.

The other side is empty.

He stares at the other bed five feet away. it’s untouched, sheets still pulled taut to the mattress and unwrinkled, as if no one had ever slept there.

 _Because no one has,_ Andrew realizes, and then he remembers last night.

They had been exploring Sydney for the day, touring the glorious lands of the down under as they sipped wine. Andrew had never seen a more picturesque moment than when Steven was sitting next to him, drinking red wine and admiring the rolling hills of the Australian countryside, his Adam's apple bobbing with every swallow. Or when he had chased Steven down the beach outside of Donovan's and threatened to push him into the waters, and felt the vibration of his scream through his torso. Or when they had stumbled back into their shared hotel rooms, arms messily tangled together as they tried to wave away Adam, who was telling them to _try not to be so loud this time-_

_Oh God._

The phone rings, and Andrew lets out a scream-turned-groan. The boisterous noise remains unfazed, as does its caller, so Andrew relents and reaches for the device.

_“What?”_

“Good morning Andrew,” greets the other person on the phone, and Andrew can’t help but melt into the cold side of the bed at Adam's soft voice. It’s not his fault that he got drunk enough to get into his coworker’s pants, _again_ -

Adam continues, “Steven there?” but Andrew doesn’t know why. They’ve had this exact same conversation two other times, and there doesn’t seem to be an end to the repetition in sight.

“No. I don’t know where he is,” Andrew responds, and there’s this sinking feeling in his heart and stomach that makes his eyes flutter shut. Andrew is tired of waking up to this feeling, he’s tired of going on vacations to make the most misleading memories, he’s tired of chasing after things that _don’t love him back_.

“Andrew?” Adam's voice startles him back to reality. _Can’t even get you out of my head for one second_ , he thinks bitterly.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. No show without its host, right? Just-let me put on some pants first.” Words are falling out of Andrew's mouth, completely skipping the filter, and Andrew wonders if this is the side effect of Australian wine, loose lips even after inebriation.

Andrew shifts up, is two seconds away from cutting off the call when Adam responds. “Co-hosts. You’re a host too.”

They both go quiet, so Adam uses that as an excuse to hang up. Andrew lets him, throws his phone to the foot of his bed, and prays that Steven is still in Australia so that he could at least accompany him on the way home.

* * *

Steven is, luckily, still in Australia. They find him standing underneath the gnarly tree that they had filmed by at the start of the steak episode, one hand clutching the tree’s side and the other using a stick to jerkily scrape at the rough bark before him, as if he were a child carving initials into the trunk. Andrew creeps closer to him, but his footsteps, loud from the crunching of twigs and leaves, give him away as he watches Steven whip around. He drops the stick suspiciously and Andrew sees the bright irises of the taller man flicker and then dim as they land on Andrew himself. His insides tighten.

“Steven,” he calls out monotonously, using the voice that he saves specifically for scaring new interns. “It’s time to head back.”

There’s no whiny response, much to Andrew’s surprise and disappointment, which he quickly wills away. Steven just nods and traces the bark hesitantly, fingers gliding over the ridges he had just scraped into the tree. Andrew tries to ignore Steven’s expression of what looks like sadness and worry, telling himself that his co-host is probably even more exhausted than he is, and that the fifteen-hour flight they’re about to embark on helps nothing.

He’s fine. He’s fine. He’s fine. He repeats that in his head as they pile into the car, as he watches Steven stare at the grazing sheep (his favorite animal, Andrew remembers), as he sits next to him on one of the quietest flights of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> scream at me on my tumblr @bujo-ie to write more standrew or make a worth it sideblog to write more standrew


	2. i'm in love with someone but i'm not sure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite his own nature, Andrew dislikes the quiet that replaces Steven's presence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did i really spend two hours writing 1600 words of filler content about cheesecake and spend the next month editing 1600 words of filler content about cheesecake? the answer is yes
> 
> chapter title from 'super far' by lany, which is honestly the mood for this whole fic tbh
> 
> edits made 9.10.18; i accidentally messed with the html when i originally posted this chapter and just realized that i had to fix it oops

After Worth It: Season Three ends, Andrew doesn’t leave his seat at his desk. There’s no need to-he, along with many of Buzzfeed’s other famous faces, has been put on editing duty. They’ve scaled back on his acting, and Worth It, which was his main project, has yet to be renewed by the higher-ups (although it undoubtedly will, Andrew knows, and doesn’t say to Steven, who is anxious and as much of a pest about it as ever.) He spends most of his days after the fiasco that he names the Australia Incident quiet and sitting as his desk, headphones on and eyes maybe a little less intense than usual, softened by sadness and gnawing worry.

No one is around to notice it-only Adam, and Niki, and Ashly would, and they’re all preoccupied with the recent Tasty videos they’ve been putting out. Andrew’s only a little bit jealous-who doesn’t want to melt a wheel of cheese?-but he’s actually quite relieved to be alone. That’s how it’s always been, anyway, and Andrew is a creature of habit if nothing else.

That’s why he’s so on edge all the time now. Steven’s wormed his way into Andrew’s heart, and more importantly, his head: there’s always the sound of Steven’s glorious laugh in his head, ready to be played and put on repeat when Andrew makes an excellent pun and there’s no one-no one appropriate, anyway-to hear it; there’s always the instinctive move to cheers his food even when Steven’s not the one next to him; there’s always the feeling of Steven around him, next to him, with him, as he wakes up in the morning to the familiar sight of bare walls and the growing familiarity of stiffness in his nether regions. Andrew can deal with Steven infiltrating his heart, but not his head-not if it means that he’ll overanalyze both of their actions, their words, everything.

Andrew groans and puts his face in his hands. _Stupid Steven._

Someone suddenly taps him on the shoulder, so he turns around, taking off his headphones, to stare blankly at Kate Peterson’s face.

“You alright?” Kate asks concernedly.

“Yeah,” he says, trying to pretend like he wasn’t in the middle of a crisis. “Need something?”

She hums and thrusts a plate with a slice of cheesecake in front of him. “Niki wants you to taste-test this. For her video.”

“Rie’s not there?”

“Nah, I caught her running out to buy ingredients, so I guess you’re her substitute!”

Andrew shrugs. He’d be a fool to turn down cheesecake….

...if that’s what it was.

“What _is_ that?” The fork falls onto the plate with a clatter as Andrew covers his mouth and grimaces. “God, whatever she made, it is _not_ cheesecake. That’s like-like, she baked eggs into flour or something. Ugh,” he wheels away from Kate, who is laughing hysterically at his reaction.

She speaks when she’s finally calmed down. “Well, I’ll report back to Niki about her not-quite-a-cheesecake, then. Go back to the Tasty kitchen in a couple hours if you want to see her second try.” She adds as a suggestion before turning around to leave, the cheesecake jiggling all the way.

Andrew shakes his head and puts his headphones back on.

* * *

 The office lights start shutting off around five, when most people clock out. Time passes and slowly but surely, everyone around Andrew bids him a goodnight and a reminder not to stay late, _it’s a Friday!_ He turns down all the invitations to go out drinking, as per usual, and continues working until his eyes start closing from the strain of looking at a screen for ten hours straight.

 _Coffee,_ he thinks, and walks to the office kitchen on autopilot. Almost no one is around; Andrew sees a light above where Shane, Ryan, and the Try Guys sit, and is also unsurprised to see that the light above Steven’s office is still on. Resident workaholics never rest, he supposes.

He rubs his eyes and maneuvers the coffee machine with ease. He’s finished filling it with a new grind when he hears voices from down the hallway that opens next to the refrigerator.

“Haven’t you ever thought about, I don’t know, _taking a vacation?”_

Andrew sags in disinterest and presses a button on the machine. He’s not much of a gossip, but one would at least enjoy what they’re hearing while waiting for coffee and unintentionally eavesdropping.

“I don’t know, I-” _Steven?_

Andrew’s brain goes haywire at hearing Steven’s voice, and he momentarily zones out in fear of seeing Steven and having to hold a conversation without fucking it up after the awkwardness from Australia. By the time he returns to reality, his coffee is done and he’s missed a large chunk of the conversation.

“Well, maybe this could be a good change for you,” goes the voice that Andrew now identifies as Jen. “I mean, it’s not like they won’t let you do Worth It. That’s like, one of the backbones of Buzzfeed.”

Andrew can hear the hesitation in Steven’s response. “I don’t want this to ruin us anymore. I’m fucked if we have to keep operating this way, like-like acting all happy and crap for the camera, and then just, completely shuttering after filming ends, or after the season ends and we’re all reduced to editing.”

 _Oh,_ Andrew thinks. _He’s worried about...us._

During this time, Jen mutters something that Andrew can’t hear from behind the hum of the refrigerator. But he does hear Steven’s response, which is an indignant, “Jen, I swear, if you make another joke about us having-having _sex_ , I will find somebody else to complain to.”

“Good luck with that, Steven, no one else is in the office at this hour other than us and Ryan, probably-” Her point is proven drastically wrong when Andrew’s phone rings. The sound is insanely loud, much louder than it normally is because it’s deadly silent and the coffee machine stopped making coffee five minutes ago. Andrew curses.

“ _What,”_ he hisses into the phone after stabbing the button to answer, and it’s Adam’s soft voice on the other end. Andrew gets an uncanny sense of deja-vu, and wills away the thought away from the Australia Incident to focus on the fact that Adam is talking to him and that Jen and Steven are literally no more than five feet away-

“Andrew!” Adam raises his voice, shaking Andrew out of his reverie, again. “Would you listen to me,” he exclaims, but his volume goes back to normal, so everything’s as okay as it can be. Not.

“I am, I am,” he says hurriedly. “Do you need something?”

“Come down to the Tasty kitchen, Niki made another cheesecake.”

Andrew groans quietly. “That was _not_ a cheesecake, but I’m there. Can you, um, stay on the phone for a second?” He ignores Adam’s audible confusion as he grips his mug of coffee and strides out of the room, trying desperately ignoring the two silhouettes that haunt his peripheral vision.

* * *

 After shutting off his light, Andrew migrates to the Tasty kitchen at Adam’s call for an off-camera taste test.

“I hope you made some improvements,” is his greeting as he pushes open the doors with his laptop under his arm. There was no fucking way he was going to stay in the office after his failure to eavesdrop, but he still had to respond to a few emails, so working in the Tasty kitchen it is.

There’s no retort in response, just Niki’s “ugh” as her entire upper body collapses on an empty spot on the marble counter, which is littered with a variety of baking equipment. Next to her face is a cake with a giant crack down the center, which Adam cuts a slice of.

“It’s not quite done since I didn’t bake it for long enough, but I think the taste is better, right? Tastes like cheesecake, at least,” Niki calls from on top of the counter as Adam passes him a slice. Andrew pokes at the unbaked part, and scrunches his face up at its wet consistency. The cake is less appealing the longer he looks at it, but Adam, Niki, and Rie, whom Andrew didn’t notice at first, are looking at him. He inhales deeply and takes a bite.

“It’s okay,” he says, after swallowing. “Needs more cheesecake taste though.”

“Whatever, Mr. I’m-Not-Good-At-Cooking. Adam, I’m gonna start cleaning up, I promised Kelsey I would be home by ten.” Adam nods to her, and she takes off to the sink with the dirty dishware, Rie trailing behind her with the better cheesecake to offer to the few people still in the office. Then Adam turns and begins dismantling the camera setup, but not before eyeing Andrew enough times for him to notice from his spot behind his laptop screen.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Adam says, like a liar. “Why were you so flustered when I called you?”

Andrew bristles. “I was not flustered. I was _fine_.”

Adam looks at him drily. “Did I interrupt something?”

“No,” Andrew tries not to sound defensive, but Adam only raises his eyebrows, so he sighs. “I...heard Steven talking to Jen.”

“You were eavesdropping? New low, man.”

“I was not-it wasn’t intentional,” Andrew corrects himself. “But now I’m just confused.”

“As you are wont to be,” Adam says airily as he puts the camera into its sheath, “when you pretend to work as an excuse to not communicate with people.” He stares straight through Andrew’s glare and continues. “You really need to talk to him. He’s dying to talk to you too.”

“Doesn’t seem like it,” Andrew mutters grumpily.

“You’re one to talk.” Adam retorts, much to Andrew’s surprise. “Talk to him tomorrow, I’m tired of editing out your pining.”

“We don’t even know if the show’s being renewed for another season,” Andrew says, petulant. He knows they will be, but it’s nice to mess with their cameraman.

“If you thought we weren’t going to be renewed then you’re stupider than I thought, Ilnyckyj.”

“I am _not_ stupid-“

“No, I guess you’re just a fool in love.”

That shuts Andrew up.


End file.
